I want to feel my pain

Written by Hilary Brown

When my mother was alive, I used to fight her tendency to view life’s bumps as opportunities. She was a half-cup-full woman. I, in contrast, was committed to learn how to feel my pain. Perhaps more so because she was frozen against letting her pain guard down. I think she was concerned she would drown in it if she did. 

When I was in my 20's I almost did drown in grief... the reasons for that seem less important now. When I first hit my deep grief crater in earnest, I found myself in a hump of ugly tears multiple times a day. It was a scary time. A trusted wise friend told me: you might have to cry for a couple of years.  

I wanted to kill her. How can I bare this pain for that long? I wondered in anxiety.

The truth was it lasted about 7 months (and more years of therapy and personal growth of course). It was a lot, but it taught me how to be with pain, and that pain didn't kill me. I like to think it made be a more open, sensitive person. I am grateful it happened to me early.

Gratitude is one of many positive emotions. It's about focusing on what's good in our lives and being thankful for the things we have. Gratitude is pausing to notice and appreciate the things that we often take for granted, like having a place to live, food, clean water, friends, family, even computer access. It can also be a way to acknowledge our privilege in life: Are you warm right now? Food in the fridge? Have you survived and grown from deep challenge?

Cup half full?
Cup half empty?
How do you see the world?

What I later learned was I am very much like my mother. My insistence to be on the other side of her sunny day attitude was only a strategy. More precisely, a reaction to her strategy.
Strategies don't set you free.
Only openness does.
Gratitude as a way of life or as a practice is a great way to find your openness again.

What - who - how are you grateful today?

Who do you terribly miss? What aspect of them do you carry with you? How do you live your life because you have been influenced by others? 
Can you feel grateful for their presence in your life or memory? Go ahead and feel into it!

This starts your gratitude practice.

I would do anything to have those half glass full conversations with my mom again. I am ever grateful that I learned - before she died - to stop struggling with her to try to make her change. I learned to soften and could let her in. Next Thursday it is Thanksgiving in America.  It's our cultural moment to practice a bit of gratitude. One way we do this is by inviting people to our table to eat. Even if it’s a "family" event. This attitude of openness to others is something perhaps you might like to consider as you go into your family-system holiday mode. Is there someone you know at home alone? Can you make room at your table? 

Let’s all find ways to share, care and connect to our deep privileges.